December.
Apparently depression is prone to getting worse during the winter months. That sucks for me. The thing about depression is that it isn’t something where you can just turn your mood around. I believe in science enough to understand that a chemical imbalance in my brain is not in my control to fix, only to treat. I’m still undecided about whether or not Prozac worth it. I lose a lot of my extremes of emotions, like being able to cry or getting extremely happy. That bothers me, because I am very much a “wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve” kind of person.
That leads me to this conclusion: I am not happy. I haven’t been happy in months…around summertime. My day-to-day life isn’t bad; it’s just not enriching. I’m not thriving. Routine. I’m exhausted of waking up, going to school, coming home, meddling around doing pointless nothings during the week, and then having too short of weekends to feel refreshed enough to repeat the week. The only thing that has brightened me up the last couple weeks has been hanging out with Cassie. I forgot how easy she and I get along and how much she really does love me. Even though she’s crazy-outgoing, I am her calm and steady friend. I used to think that she didn’t care for me as much ‘cause I’m not a spontaneous thrill seeker like Haley or Melissa. But she does enjoy my company; she is my best friend. I miss having her next door so badly. I miss waking her up on Saturday mornings or waking up to find her mowing the lawn in her teal tank top and black sophies. I was happy then. I wasn’t depressed then.
Where did my depression start?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
I swear, my cats must think the same of me as Dinah does of Alice.
Taylor Lautner (HQ) Scan from Rolling Stone Magazine December 2009 issue
Okay, seriously. I can’t say no to that. I mean…come on.
Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
—
James Dean
I just bought a James Dean photo mounted on an 8x8 of wood with this quote on it.
